i see stars in the sky

After 20 minutes of sitting here staring blankly at the screen, typing a few lines and then erasing them, to stare a little longer, I’m going to try to articulate how i feel tonight.

It’s a feeling of gratitude. I wanted to make sure I was using the right word so I looked it up to double check and the definition is, “a feeling of thankfulness and appreciation” and that’s exactly where my head is at right now.

My day was pretty average and not a lot happened, but I had a moment of awe when I got out of my car tonight and glanced up at the sky. It’s not very often that you see a clear night sky at this time of year in Vancouver, but there are no clouds in the sky tonight and all I could see, where ever I looked, were stars. I’m sure everyone’s had those moments that sneak up on you when you realize you don’t take enough time to appreciate all the amazing things in your life! Especially when life is just – average – and nothing special is happening. But those are the times we should be the most grateful for; for our homes and our friends and family and the stars in the sky and the beautiful mountains that surround me and the twinkling lights of a city at 7:00am (see picture) and a steaming cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows … and, and, and, and!!!

I don’t do it enough, so I’ve decided to get back to something I was doing in the fall but let slide when I moved to Vancouver — Gratitude list!! Maybe I’ll share some with you every few days.

when big companies do good things.

This is just a short one tonight, but I thought I’d pass along a message I saw in a commercial I just saw whilst vegging out in front of the television before bed.

Click on the images above.

Bell has a whole site dedicated to raising mental health awareness for a campaign they’re promoting in Canada and I think it’s great. Ya, I had the moment of “oh companies will do just about anything to get people’s attention” but then I thought … “So?…if it’s a good message and they have the means to get it out there – good on them!”

So, although it’s not going to get me to switch to Bell anytime soon – Kudos to them! And anyone who is a Bell customer – maybe you can send some extra text messages that day to raise some money for the mental health sector in Canada. I can tell you – because I have a sister who is in social work, that they don’t get nearly enough funding to help those in need.  I also like that they call their campaign “let’s talk” because there is a definite stigma attached to mental health issues than often allows the whole conversation to get swept under the proverbial carpet.  I know it’s something that will come and go and be forgotten quickly, but it’s one step in the right direction, in my opinion.

the storm beyond the calm.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever noticed, but there is this window of time after you break up with someone when you give off a ‘newly single’ vibe that men seem to pick up on and flock to. Don’t believe me? It’s true! It’s been confirmed by at least three of my female friends that they went through months of relationship woes without one a man showing any interest, but as soon as they dumped that sorry ass (or were dumped on their sorry ass), there were men crawling to pick up all the fragile, girlie pieces.

When my most recent ex and I broke up, our theory held up. Within a day, I had been asked out on a date by a man who was fixing my car and another guy pulled over in the rain to ask if I needed a ride somewhere. Did that ever happen while I was tied down? Not a chance. At least not two in a day.

I dont know if there is a scientific thing that explains all of this, but I’d like to call it the ‘damsel in distress’ effect. It’s that brief time slot in which you’re giving off the air of vulnerability and need. Even the strongest woman out there does it; don’t deny it! The problem is, it only lasts a short period of time; for some it’s only a couple weeks, or days. It rarely lasts more than a month. Because of this, you’re often not ready to accept the mens’ approaches, and when you are – they’re nowhere to be found. It’s like the ocean has dried up and the fish have all — well, if we’re going with this particular analogy – died.

Now, you may be asking yourselves, why is she talking about this? She’s not recently single; she hasn’t seemed at all ‘distressed’ recently. It’s because, ladies, I’ve come across another phenomenon. The problem is, I need some more people to help me test it out. Are you ready for it? Here goes:

It’s much like the above theory, except this one I call the ‘femme fatale’ effect. I break it down like this.  For the few months that I was celibate, when I went out (mall, bar, etc) – there was no ‘hey can I get you a drink?’ … no lingering, head-turned double glances. I became the invisible woman. I kid you not. The only time that it felt like I wasn’t was with Cpat, in December, but even he lost interest quickly.

I was starting to feel like a withered up old prune who was well beyond her expiration date and 25 was fast approaching. It did no bode well for Charliej. I was in the ‘eye of the storm.’ All was calm on the dating front. I wasn’t sure that I liked it.

Then it happened. I turned it off for a night. I felt great. Sexy. Strong. And lucky me, I had great sex. It felt marvelous. I felt invigorated. Smug, even! I know I should have been disappointed because I didn’t even come close to reaching my goal – but I have to tell you – it was worth it!

Moving on! (There is a point – I promise!). As I returned to real life, back in Vancouver, I still felt the afterglow. I’m a woman; strong; independent; beautiful! And basking in some glorious happiness of reveling in all of it for a night. Monday night I headed out on the town with my friends.

It was like I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 15 years. Except, that instead of feeding on my vulnerability – they were vibing my latent sexuality. Wow (haha) that sounds way worse than what I mean, but it sounds good so I think I’ll keep it! Now, it’s been a couple of weeks and the afterglow is obviously wearing off, and, unsurprisingly, so is the male attention that was in such abundance only a mere week ago.

Don’t get me wrong – Any woman can snag a man at any point. There are just these small windows of opportunity that pop up in life where, without trying, it seems as though there is a magnet attached to you.  So, when we women notice the change, we need to stick together, let each other know and keep it in mind for next time! That way, we won’t regret those missed opportunities that passed us by!

All for now ladies.

I’ll leave you with this golden oldie for some inspiration:

in sickness and in health.

Why is it that when you’re sick – you’re the most susceptible to feeling like being single isn’t such fun anymore? Maybe it’s because you’re stuck in the house all day, whilst watching your friends head out to party downtown. Perhaps it’s because all I really want right now is some serious cuddle time, home-made chicken soup and a back rub!

I am almost literally quarantined with the plague. Ok – it’s not that bad but I have been shut down in my room for the past two days with a cold that doesn’t know what it wants to do. First it went all kung-fu on my sinuses and now it’s holding a rave in my lungs. So much fun.

As it is, I am feeling a slight amount (or a large dollop) of self-pity for my situation and in it’s wake – a sense of ‘need’ for someone to look after me.

I suppose that’s why they put “in sickness and in health” in the wedding vows so that when someone is down and out, they can say to the other – “remember what you said!!? You PROMISED! Now make me some damn soup!!”

That’s when the healthy partner rues the day they didn’t make up their own vows instead of taking the easy route, yet again!

But seriously – I have to say it, because it’s true. Being single and sick just sucks! (although I do like the alliteration!). I know I’m strong and independent and “I am woman, hear me roar” and all that jazz – but you just can’t feel that way when you’re poppin’ nyquil like candy and sticking oil of oregano down your throat every two hours.  What you feel like is a super thoughtful care package, held by that super special man in your life.

Well – haha – I’m hopped up on Nyquil…a woman can dream.

If it’s not sex, it’s religion.

I know I said I wasn’t going to write every day – but I felt inspired tonight. Always a good feeling. Hold on to your seats – it’s going to be a long one!

I was talking to someone tonight about – go figure – religion. It seems to be a common thread in many of my conversations these days. It wasn’t, for some time, but lately I have felt the need to really hash out my feelings about it all.

You see – I grew up in a pretty religious family. Church twice a week, long hair, skirts, no television, no make up…etc, etc. Swearing was blasphemous. Sex before marriage is a DEFINITE no-no. And don’t even think about marrying someone outside of the faith. I get the question “Well what religion was it” a lot and I don’t have the time, or the inclination to go into it. Think less strict than horse and buggy mennonites and that was me. (But we weren’t mennonite!). If you’re still extra curious, you can email me at moderndaycelibate@gmail.com.

But I digress. I left ‘the faith’ the day I turned 18 and while I am still close with the family members who continue to attend church, it did leave a big part of me feeling confused and frustrated – and angry.

For awhile I filled it with atheism and resentment, which then turned to a forced loving understanding of religion – because I felt bad about hating what my parent’s loved. It wasn’t until recently that I realized – whatever I’m filling that part of me with – it has to come from me and it has to be true. Otherwise, I’m going to be stuck in some ‘religious rut’ for the rest of my life.

When I moved to Vancouver I ended up living with a couple who I’ve had multiple conversations on the topic with. The guy had had a similar upbringing as me and, like me, went through a few phases of his own until he came to some peace about what life meant to him. His girlfriend tends toward the spiritual side of things and it was a nice change to listen to someone who was so open-minded about something that I hadn’t allowed myself to give thought to for so long.

I feel like in the past few months, I’ve let go of a lot of anger that I didn’t even realize I had. When I look at what ‘religion’ is now, I still get annoyed by a lot of what it represents but can distinguish it from the type of spirituality I’m aiming for. I’ve also realized that I can’t please my parents. When I mentioned Buddhism to my mom, she sounded more unimpressed with that then when I was throwing around words like “atheism” and “no after life!”

So, here is my LATEST revelation. I’ve realized that I don’t particularly care ‘where’ we came from. This epiphany came when tonight’s conversation led to “well do you believe in evolution then?” and I replied…”Well, I suppose, but I haven’t actually thought too much about it.” Then I realized. For me it’s not about where we’re from or where we’re going it’s about where I am! It’s about this moment and what I’m writing now. It’s about what I do in my life that matters for me and it better be good – because I do believe it’s my one shot to do something special!

I know, I know – we’ve all heard it before. Life is a gift! But it really is! And all this religion junk has been working as a road block in my life. But I’m starting to see cracks in the wall and weak spots where it’s starting to come down – and it’s a great feeling!

Day 63 – end of it all

I know I should be close to day 70 right now – but Day 63 ended my quest for celibacy…at least this attempt. They say that everyone who wants to quit anything usually does it on their third attempt. Maybe that’s true.

Thinking about sex – and not having sex and being single, has done a lot for me in regards to how I feel inside and what I’m looking for.

I had sex on Friday night because there was a cute boy who I enjoyed being around – and alcohol took away the inhibitions I might have had otherwise. But, an interesting thing happened afterward. I didn’t feel bad about myself. I had made that choice more because it was what I wanted, then the alcohol guiding me. And in the end, that’s what it’s about.

Of course, I want a guy who will call me the next day or who will wait until I’m ready or who makes me feel like I’m special or any of those other good and wonderful things. But that doesn’t define how I feel about myself. If I never hear from him again, I’ll have a moment’s wince inside and then move on, to make room for someone who wants to get to know me.

I want to keep writing – And I suppose I should change the name of my blog. Maybe you wont read it anymore because I’ve done two blogging faux pas – 1. I didn’t write for a long time and 2. I’m changing my topic at a moment’s notice. But I’ll tell you something, I knew when I stopped wanting to write that something was off, and now I know what it was.

It’s not about not having sex. (surprise!!) It’s about knowing yourself and being true to yourself. So, I’m going to keep going to yoga and hanging out with my fantastic friends and discovering new things about myself. I still think Buddhism is the best thing since sliced bread and I really am happy! As happy as I was when I was succeeding at staying celibate. And having sex this weekend, doesn’t mean that I’m just going to jump back on the sex bandwagon. Because like I said, it’s not about the sex. It’s about me enjoying my life to the fullest – and this is the closest I’ve gotten to that ever.

It’s a good sign, I think!!

As it is, I guess, for this girl – there aren’t 365 ways to stay celibate. For me, there is only one way to live my life – and that’s to do it well!

Whew! I do hope to hear from some of you who were reading me when I was being more prolific. And hope you’ll still pop back once in awhile (I’m going to cut my blogs back to every few days…which is more realistic than every day now that I have a real live job!).

Adios for now.
Your no longer celibate blogging friend..
Charlene

Day 60 – 15 days.

I know I’ve been a terrible blogger in the past couple weeks, but for awhile there I felt like I had nothing to say that was worth telling anyone about.

On the bright side, I haven’t given up my quest and I have 15 more days under my belt!

In the past 15 days I’ve done a yoga class, a ki-aikido class and had a birthday.

I’m now 25 and celibate!

I’ve actually found it getting easier and easier to be ‘celibate’ but harder and harder to stay ‘single’! Does this make sense to anyone? Let me try to explain. I am actually getting pretty comfortable with not having sex. When I think about meeting someone, I don’t find myself worrying about the sex aspect of things, or at least not in the same way I used to. Now it’s not about ‘when’ we have sex but ‘if’ and how he’ll feel about my wanting to make sure that he is the right guy to make that decision with. It’s not a given that if we go on a few dates and I like him well enough that the next step is doing the tango between the sheets.

I’ve been on a couple dates – met up with the gentleman that I stayed over night with in December a couple times. But I’m also more able to decide that ‘no, he’s not the type of guy I want to be with’ when sex isn’t part of the equation. It’s liberating. And I feel myself changing. And that’s what starting this experience was all about in the first place.

So, 15 days of silent hiatus later – I’m still celibate, still single and happy with how my life is shaping up!